Suburban Home Becomes Portal to the Underworld, Delivery Guy Takes It in Stride
PINE RIDGE, OH—In what local authorities are calling the most aggressive food drop-off in recent history, a DoorDash driver experienced a momentary (and very sudden) relocation yesterday afternoon when a large section of a homeowner’s front porch deck collapsed directly beneath him.
The incident, captured by the homeowner’s doorbell camera, shows the driver, dressed in the unmistakable red of a delivery uniform, confidently approaching the front door, his red thermal bag swinging jauntily. He makes it precisely to the final step before the entire landing gives way, dropping him, the bag, and what appeared to be several tacos into the abyss of a newly formed porch-hole.
“I just heard this colossal K-THUNK followed by a muffled, ‘Whoa, ah!'” reported homeowner Brenda Jenkins, who was inside waiting for her order of Thai takeout. “It was like the house just ate him. I honestly thought a cartoon anvil had dropped from the sky.”
The driver, who later confirmed he was “good,” managed to maintain his composure and, more importantly, the structural integrity of the food bag.
“Yeah, I’m good. Just your delivery here,” the driver can be heard calling out from the depths of the hole, his voice echoing slightly. The video, which has since gone viral, cuts off after the driver confirms the food is still edible, seemingly unfazed by his unexpected trip to the sub-porch dimension.
The True Cost of ‘Contactless’ Delivery
The collapse has raised serious questions about the hidden dangers lurking beneath our seemingly safe suburban decks. Authorities are investigating whether the incident was caused by poor construction, termites, or simply a singular, concentrated moment of bad luck for one very punctual man.
A structural engineer, speaking anonymously, suggested that the weight distribution combined with years of wear was the likely culprit. However, Jenkins has a different theory: “I think my porch just really, really wanted that pad thai. It just couldn’t wait.”
The most heroic part of the entire ordeal? The food appears to have survived intact. The red delivery bag, which acted as a sort of emergency parachute/airbag combo, cushioned the impact.
“He’s a true professional,” said one commenter on social media. “Most people would be screaming for a medic; this guy was asking about the dipping sauces. Give that man a five-star rating and a new porch!”
As for the driver, he was checked out by paramedics and cleared to return to work, presumably after a brief debriefing on the structural integrity of every porch in the county. His dedication, however, has set a new, impossible standard for food delivery.
Next time you order takeout, remember the sacrifices made. A hero was forged in a porch collapse, and all he asked for was a clear path to his next delivery.
